What it's really like dating a man in his fifties as a woman aged 34... his gifts were VERY unsexy - but he did introduce me to some classic pop music!

I've ever liked an property gap, whichever measurement it lands, but until precocious had ne'er dated personification 20 years my senior. I'm 34 and met Pete past twelvemonth aft we were introduced by a caller friend aft I'd moved to Edinburgh. A man successful his mid-50s was a caller prospect, which was precisely why I was keen connected nan idea.

It wasn't nan stereotypical benefits I was after, you see. Millennials for illustration maine look astatine older Gen X-ers for illustration him and spot financial security, profession success, a fancy car, astir apt a spot location — while men our ain property typically person nary of these things.

But that wasn't what I recovered charismatic astir Pete. It was nan years of other acquisition that willing maine nan most: I for illustration to beryllium taught things and he had an undeniably superior knowledge of nan world.

So what did I study astir making love a fiftysomething man arsenic a thirtysomething woman? Well, bully things and bad things — and overmuch of it a large surprise…

Sex will not hole a row

During my six-month narration pinch Pete, I realised really ingrained casual intimacy has go for my ain generation. To trial a caller attraction, to hole a row, to easiness a hangover — you sanction it, my peers and I usage activity and dating, via apps, to make nan endorphin precocious we crave. For us, nan buzz of intimacy soothes each wounds.

Not for Pete. Four months into sleeping pinch each other, we were stepping to a pub and his temper was foul. I can't retrieve why — grumpy moods came quickly and easily. (Was that him aliases his age? I didn't know.)

'Shall we conscionable spell backmost to excavation and get into bed?' I asked, knowing that intimacy would make maine astatine slightest consciousness overmuch amended than sitting successful a pub pinch personification successful this overmuch of a mood.

'No, I don't want to spell location and get into bed,' he half-spat. He seemed genuinely offended.

'I don't connection that to everyone, obviously,' I wanted to say.

He wasn't a tactile man, possibly that was nan problem. Surprise, surprise, we had 1 of our biggest rows that night.

You study really short life is!

Part of nan nosy of making love personification a batch older is being immersed successful decades of chartless euphony and film. I quickly became obsessed pinch a playlist afloat of superb songs he made maine — successful peculiar pinch Silver Lady by erstwhile Starsky & Hutch character David Soul.

Then David Soul (Hutch) died, and I had to mourn him. The aforesaid happened pinch vocalist Sinead O'Connor. I'd known Nothing Compares 2 U, of course, but it was Pete who introduced maine to nan remainder of her music. And past she died and my sadness was greater than it would person been.

It felt for illustration nan aged saying 'It's amended to person loved and lost, than ne'er to person loved astatine all' was a grounds connected repeat.

Given his age, location was besides a friend's ceremonial present and there. Death came pinch nan territory, it seemed, which taught maine that nary 1 (or life) should beryllium taken for granted.

They really are group successful their ways...

So don't effort and alteration their look. Not that I'd person dared. Pete's benignant of dishevelled hipster chic had been honed complete galore years.

He wore baggy jeans, long-sleeve flannely tops, sports jackets, trainers that were aged and cool (probably) and always, ever pinch a mini hat.

Who was I to measurement successful and determine that those mini hats that only screen nan apical half of your caput and make you look for illustration a fisherman were not what he needed successful life? So, eager to beryllium supportive, I bought him one. It was rejected and I yet gave it to my mum.

'We are person successful property than you 2 are,' she said pointedly. She was somewhat pursed-lipped astir our relationship, but agreed he sounded 'interesting'.

What I learned was a man's ways are firmly group by nan clip he hits his mid-50s. Pete had had 20 years longer than maine to cognize what he liked, which besides meant erstwhile it came to elements of our narration — wherever we went connected dates, aliases nan benignant of nutrient we ate — it was mostly his measurement aliases nan highway. Flexibility was nil.

Space becomes backstage nan older you are

For example, I was starting to interest that he had an full family hidden astatine nan level he rented. We had dated for 5 months earlier I was invited backmost to his.

Turned retired he was school maine a instruction connected abstraction — some that having our ain was important and that it was a privilege to beryllium successful personification else's.

On nan immense mostly of our dates, we ended up backmost astatine mine. But then, connected New Year's Eve, I sewage nan invitation to his. I'm not judge what I was expecting, but I did deliberation by past he must beryllium hiding something.

And yet I recovered nary framed pictures of different family, nary horrible decor, nary heaps of soiled apparel indicating that he was a messiness but hadn't wanted maine to know.

It was beautiful — designed pinch taste, and afloat of plants. I realised suddenly, but possibly only because I'd had to wait, that you're fortunate to beryllium invited into someone's home. It's a portion of them not everyone gets to see.

They'll person slept pinch half your friends

It was while sitting successful a bully aged man's pub, appropriately, that I came to nan realisation 3 retired of nan 5 women connected my array had slept pinch my boyfriend. That's including me.

I person rather a fewer exes myself, but they are dispersed astir nan UK — and I've had importantly less one-night stands. My consequence of bumping into erstwhile lovers was a batch little than his.

It was difficult knowing nan man I was making love had slept pinch truthful galore group I knew. Neither did his cognition towards immoderate of them endear him to me.

'Oh, that was 10 years ago' he'd say, or: 'Oh, that was 1 clip and she's a spot mad.'

When you day personification a batch older than you, you realise really overmuch much apt this is to happen. He'd been having activity for 20 much years than I had, truthful of people it would look for illustration he'd been astir nan block. Twice.

Middle-aged men tin beryllium large nutrient snobs

Nothing tastes for illustration it does successful New York, he'd say. Very often.

Pete had lived each complete nan world, which was 1 of nan things I loved astir about him. Conversation astir culture, euphony and life successful different cities — Berlin, New York, Riyadh — ne'er ran dry.

But his cosmopolitan past had spoilt him successful 1 important regard: now he was location successful Edinburgh, nan nutrient was ne'er bully enough. In particular, nary edifice could lucifer his favourite eateries successful Manhattan. We couldn't bid sushi without it being described arsenic 'frozen' and 'not really tuna belly', earlier nan spot was blacklisted.

In New York' he'd had nan champion bagels, nan champion pasta, nan champion everything. 'Not for illustration they do successful New York,' became a moving joke until it began to earnestly grate.

'Why don't you conscionable move backmost to New York if everything's amended there?' I yet blurted.

To me, being pinch him made a half-decent takeaway great. But that beautiful sentiment didn't look to activity nan different measurement around.

Families are difficult immoderate property you are

My narration pinch Pete coincided pinch my narration pinch my relative going downhill, which pained maine hugely. But being pinch Pete taught maine that siblings needn't beryllium close; and that, arsenic you get older, semipermanent friends often switch them.

He had 4 brothers and sisters and wasn't particularly adjacent to immoderate of them. He'd bail connected plans to meet nan 1 he liked astir arsenic often arsenic he'd move up. Whereas I recovered my business pinch my relative tragic.

What happened to loyalty betwixt siblings arsenic everyone grew up?

And yet, seeing really galore friends Pete had astir him, and really he'd learnt to judge a different type of family to nan accepted one, made maine wonderment whether humor ties really do trump everything else. I was learning that they didn't.

Gifts will be... middle-aged but thoughtful

Given Pete decidedly did person a activity drive, I was amazed to find nan gifts he gave maine — a overmuch younger female — were truthful sensible.

First came a brace of slippers. No, really. They were awesome slippers, made of 100 per cent Scottish sheep wool. But still, slippers?

'What'll nan adjacent gift be? A housecoat?' I joked.

A tea-strainer, it turned out. A very high-end tea-strainer for nan very fancy loose-leaf beverage he bought me. I thanked him politely and said: 'Can I person a sexier coming adjacent time?'

At 1 constituent he gave maine half a loaf of artisan breadstuff from a section bakery he thought I'd like, and I started to consciousness for illustration Emma Thompson's characteristic successful nan movie Love Actually, who gets a depressing Joni Mitchell medium while her husband's mistress gets sparkling jewellery.

The presents from Pete said we'd been together for 4 years and he wanted maine to beryllium comfortable and eat bully things — but it had only been 4 months astatine that point.

That made maine wonderment precisely really reluctant he was for america to ever do thing exciting.

Drinking is worrying if you don't curb it

Booze blues get worse pinch age, that's for sure. After a large nighttime out, Pete would sometimes vanish for a week, going into a spread of regret that meant he'd disregard his telephone and I'd consciousness good and genuinely binned.

Sometimes, conscionable arsenic I was reasoning really good it was going, he'd abruptly disappear.

These absences weren't thing to do pinch me, however. It was a shape of self-flagellation and an illustration of really overmuch worse hangovers tin get pinch age.

'Something bad is going to hap to maine if I support drinking for illustration this,' he erstwhile said, because erstwhile he drank, he drank, and I wasn't judge I could argue.

It made maine deliberation astir my ain intoxicant depletion and dream that, having seen personification going done this warfare of nan mind, I'd beryllium capable to curb my ain enthusiasm for booze if I felt it was likewise out-of-hand.

My biggest lesson? Learning what a commitment-phobe looked like

Do women ever deliberation they tin alteration a man? I'd surely been blameworthy of it successful nan past.

With Pete, it was a pleasance not to person an ex-wife aliases immoderate kids to woody with. It kept it each simpler and made maine happy that if we ever did thing for illustration that ourselves, it would beryllium a 'first' for some of us.

But beyond nan dream was nan reality that if personification has reached their mid-50s without ever having been married, had a kid aliases moreover bought a location (despite nan opportunity), they astir apt don't want to.

It lasted six months.