What Biden REALLY wrote in his desperate letter begging Dems not to fire him (...at least, according to KENNEDY!)

Beleaguered President Biden's past gasp for powerfulness included a missive to Congressional Democrats connected Monday, bullying his party's lawmakers into submission.

'I americium firmly committed to staying successful this race,' he scrawled. But earlier you publication Sleepy Joe's authentic tongue, here's my... I mean nan original draft:

Deer Dems,

I'm Jill Biden's hubby and she and Hunter person told maine to constitute to you lyin dog-faced pony soldiers – arsenic my friend John Wayne Gacy liked to opportunity successful that movie.

Did you watch nan debate? I'm not judge if I did.

But you can't switch maine because Barack says I'm not done yet.

And by God, man. I'm nan goodest Senator eva, nan Lord Almighty said so. I wouldn't beryllium moving again if I wossont nan champion qualified for nan job.

My grounds is impeachable:

Every greeting I put connected my typical shoes fresh to footwear Alley Cat Liar Trump successful his fat orangish face.

Then I nap aliases play pinch my dog. The Secret Service agents emotion it erstwhile he chases them astir nan South Lawn.

To anyone who says I'm excessively old, I say: Watch Me (between nan hours of 10am and 4pm).

But listen, folks, c'mon, nary malarkey present – nan different feline is simply a vulnerable lying dictator who isn't very bully astatine golf.

I'm a six-handicap. Or an eight… but I amended not get into that.

Did I show you astir nan clip I sewage arrested trying to spot Willie Nelson? I mean, Nelson Mandela.

Do you really want to judge maine connected 90 Bad Minutes connected One Bad Night and not my 300 Bad Years successful Congress? Let's do nan math!

I received complete 400 trillion, sorry cardinal votes, respective from non-dead folks. All nan polls that I've publication aren't not connected my side. I person astir infinity delegates. That's 1 for each of Hunter's babe mamas.

But honestly, folks, you amended get successful statement because you're giving Kamala ideas. She moreover tried to push maine down nan White House stairs.

So let's get nan facts straight, I put together NATO for illustration a cocoa machine chip, saved Israel and saw disconnected Corn Pop, who was moreover worse than Vlad Putin.

The stakes are excessively high. The world is falling apart. And I can't retrieve if I near nan stove on. But I cognize a integrative surgeon who tin make it each better.

Plus, I was talking to nan caller British Prime Minister Maggie Thatcher who says I'm conscionable for illustration Ronald Reagan. Isn't she a pistol? She smells good, too.

My apical advisor Hunter says we request Four More Years til we tin yet hit Medicare, execution Social Security and settee up pinch nan Chinese.

So, judge me, I tin hit Mitt Romney. And if I don't, well, astatine slightest I answered each nan questions and tried my bestest.

Luv,

The First Black Woman To Serve With A Black President

President Kamala?

If America's Vegetable-in-Chief is cooked through, will Cackling Kamala apical nan Democratic 2024 ticket?

A awesome Biden fundraiser said he'd return a 'dead' Joe complete his useless Veep. But woke Dem heavy wigs don't care.

They're hopeless to anoint nan word-salad-chef-in-chief complete nan party's different dim bulbs.

'How nan f*** are you going to put each these achromatic group up of Kamala?' erstwhile Democratic National Committee chair Donna Brazile said past week.

Oh, nan irony would beryllium creamy capable to eat if these 'champions of democracy' subvert populist by overthrowing a codger president for their hand-picked no-hoper.

First Lady face-off

Make-America-Gawk-Again.

Always immaculately turned out, Melania Trump was snapped successful NYC connected Monday nighttime wearing a red-hot Valentino dress and matching, lacquered Louboutins.

So, Anna Wintour, where's her Vogue close-up?

The aging manner rag snubbed nan erstwhile First Lady during her White House tenure.

Meanwhile our existent and far-less modish Mistress of nan Oval Office, Jill MacBiden, has been connected nan screen three times!

Harry deserves award 

Prince Harry is reportedly 'stunned' by backlash to news that he's nan recipient of this year's Pat Tillman Award for Service – an grant named aft nan precocious NFL prima turned nationalist leader who near sports aft 9/11 to service successful Afghanistan.

Don't get maine wrong, nan Ginger Whinger is nan astir annoying British export by a mile. But his ain subject work and efforts to create nan yearly Invictus Games for injured ex-soldiers are admirable feathers successful his different disreputable cap, and much than suffice him for nan Tillman award.

To propose different would make you look royally foolish.

Big butt, large problems

Instagram 'model' and part-time moralist Mikaela Lafuente is INCENSED that her bootylicious thirst-traps accidentally snared chromatic badger Kanye West.

The crazed (and married) rapper allegedly barreled into her nonstop messages, writing: '[I] wanted to spot if you wanted to bent and perceive to nan caller album.'

Flattered this butt-fluencer was not.

'I don't deliberation it's acceptable to beryllium messaging different women erstwhile you're married,' she told reporters, conveniently boosting her ain societal floor plan successful nan process.

Call maine a cynic, but was this rump shaker not seeking retired specified Ye-big attraction successful nan first place?

Red, White, and Who?

Each July 4, diminutive billionaire Michael Rubin bribes celebrated 'friends' to statement pinch him astatine an uber lavish Hamptons 'White Party'.

The pint-sized hobnobber ever makes judge to drawback a cozy Insta threat pinch nan likes of Kim K, Khloe K and Machine Gun K.

Asked if they'll beryllium returning nan favour and inviting Mini Michael their respective Xmas bashes, my conjecture is they'd reply: 'Michael who?'

Grandma gone wild 

I've agelong suspected aged folks' communities are crawling pinch lonely widows and short-on-time swingers passing themselves information for illustration a flyer for reverse mortgages. Now I person nan grounds to beryllium it.

A caller study recovered sexually transmitted infections among nan Centrum-Silver group skyrocketed a staggering 24 percent during nan COVID pandemic.

They're trading banal faster than Nancy Pelosi!

He needed nan John!

Goodbye Yellow-Slick Road.

A French shopkeeper was horrified erstwhile Elton John waltzed into his upscale sneaker shop and asked if location was a bath he could use.

When nan salesman said 'non', Elton reportedly unleashed his mini dancer for a nationalist tinkle into a integrative bottle!

The astir shocking part: nan French Man had ne'er heard of nan Rocket Man!

Well, he does now. A fewer ounces lighter, Elton utilized a towel to mop up stray sprinkles connected nan floor, bought immoderate kicks and near – but not earlier shaking nan mediocre proprietor's hand.