This French Farce makes Paris 2024 the worst Olympics in my lifetime: KENNEDY slams the pedo rapists, gender madness, sewer swims and genital-flashing drag queens!

Triathletes dripping pinch nan Seine’s sewer-soiled h2o must person been thinking what nan remainder of america now know:

This is nan crappiest Olympics successful caller history! Literally.

It’s taken 9 years, $1.5 cardinal of biology remediation and countless 5-hour workdays (this is France, folks) for nan Paris 2024 organizers to deem nan E. coli-tainted stream safe capable for athletes to aquatics in. Just.

Last-minute bacterial tests saw nan scheduled men’s triathlon arena bumped from Tuesday to Wednesday this week, presumably to springiness lifeguards a chance to food retired a fewer floating bonbons.

When nan boys did swim, galore joked astir nan h2o quality.

‘I’m decidedly going to beryllium visiting nan bath later,’ South African Jamie Riddle said aft nan race. ‘I swallowed gallons and gallons of water, truthful that’s going to beryllium a fun, post-race party!’

But this foul stream farce is nan slightest of our Olympic problems.

On Thursday, an almighty gender ruckus erupted aft an Italian woman boxer forfeited her lucifer successful conscionable 46 seconds aft taking 2 consecutive punches to nan face.

‘I had to safeguard my life,’ Italy’s Angela Carini told reporters aft collapsing onto nan mat successful tears.

Her Algerian opponent, Imane Khelif, had been disqualified from past year's Women's World Championships aft DNA tests reportedly ‘proved’ Khelif was intersex.

Yet nan International Olympic Committee – who don’t transportation retired testing of their ain – inexplicably approved Khelif to play.

And while nan Carini incident whitethorn spell down arsenic nan astir disturbing Paris snapshot, it will person stiff competition.

Last Friday, nan opening ceremonial accelerated descended into a rain-soaked Rocky Horror Show.

Torch-bearing Serena Williams looked for illustration she mightiness flip up her croissants as she nauseously wobbled successful nan lead convoy vessel heading down nan turdy Seine.

Maybe she’d caught show of nan Parisian backstage parts connected show during nan show’s odious parody of Leonardo da Vinci’s Last Supper.

One of nan performers suffered a wardrobe malfunction that near his testicle dangling retired his sparking achromatic undies.

The eyeball-burning abomination was complete pinch a bearded resistance queen and corpulent, self-described ‘love activist’ DJ Barbara Butch.

Then immoderate dude painted bluish and wearing a thong emerged from a elephantine chafing dish. He was expected to beryllium Dionysus, nan Greek deity of – among different things – insanity and ritual madness.

Talking of insanity – nan Olympic Committee are yet to springiness an honorable reply arsenic to why convicted Dutch pedophile Steven Van de Velde, who served clip for raping a 12-year-old woman erstwhile he was 19, has been cleared to compete.

Last Supper?

No, thanks. I’m not quiet anymore.

But nan athletes are starving.

Despite a promise to tally nan ‘greenest ever Games’, Olympic Village caterers person reported a ‘very precocious demand’ for nutrient and ovum products.

A 3rd of nan ‘sustainably-sourced’ meals forced connected nan 15,000-odd athletes truthful acold person been vegetarian aliases vegan. But, quelle surprise, nan world elite don’t tally connected quinoa and locally originated figs.

Meanwhile, our sports boys and gals person been forced into five-to-a-bathroom prison-style dorms pinch hard-as-rock, ‘eco-friendly’ cardboard beds, and nary aerial conditioning.

Things sewage truthful stinky steamy successful adjacent quarters that US tennis sensation Coco Gauff snitched connected her roommates who’d escaped to a edifice room!

At slightest 1 aureate woman is enjoying herself: America’s waning queen, Jill Biden.

The Doctor – sans Joe – is each giggles successful her ‘Farewell to Grandpa’ Era of nan European tour, tossing backmost bubbly pinch Zendaya, Flavor Flav and Snoop Dog successful nan stands.

But this softest of soft powerfulness will do small to stem nan ménage à trois of debauchery, deprivation and dookie unravelling crossed nan pond.

Can anyone prevention us?

Three years aft her melodramatic withdrawal from nan Tokyo games derailed Team USA’s podium hopes, gymnastics awesome Simone Biles has made a triumphant return.

And arsenic she and her apical teammates person proudly hoisted nan Stars and Stripes this week, gold-medals adorning their necks, Biles has shown nan world that girl-boss grit does salary off.

Thank you, Simone.

And, please, support distant from Dionysus.

Weirdo Olympics 

Stateside, there’s different title underway: nan ‘Who’s Weirder’ Olympics, a.k.a. nan 2024 election.

This week, nan Harris run hosted a 150,000-strong ‘White Dudes for Kamala’ unrecorded stream.

‘I’m white, I’m a dude and I’m present for Harris,’ character Jeff Bridges declared.

Sounds for illustration an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump remarked connected Tuesday that wifey Melania was truthful traumatized by nan Butler effort connected his life that she can’t talk astir it, meaning ‘she either likes aliases loves me. And that’s nice.’

News flash – you’re each weird!

Free astatine last

Wall Street Journal newsman Evan Gershkovich is yet free!

Russia released him and erstwhile US Marine Paul Whelan connected Thursday arsenic portion of a large-scale captive swap.

Gershkovich spent 478 days successful Kremlin-controlled hellhole – but for him and his family, it whitethorn now return acold longer to flooded this unthinkable trauma.

Hack check!

Unhinged MSNBC harpie Molly Jong-Fast claims Trump VP-pick J.D. Vance’s ‘childless feline ladies’ slur is really a racist crippled to promote American couples to person ‘more achromatic children’.

Will personification pass this hack that Vance and his woman Usha (the girl of Indian immigrants) person 3 kids.

Good Romance

Lady Gaga was overheard astatine nan Olympics introducing her tech-bro beau Michael Polansky to nan French Prime Minister arsenic her ‘fiancé’.

Gaga has had a drawstring of bad romances, including a antecedently surgery engagement.

At 38 years aged pinch nary kids, let’s dream this 1 lasts.

Silver Selleck  

There’s much of Tom Selleck to emotion these days. But astatine 79-year-old and pinch a afloat caput of hair, he still puts nan metallic successful my fox.

Recent pictures showed what look to beryllium agelong scars connected each of his knees, possibly nan consequence of replacement surgery.

Having conscionable recovered from a hip-tear repair operation, I cognize really difficult it is to get backmost connected your feet. Good for you, Tom.

Say it pinch your chest

Susan Sarandon’s busty girl is boohooing complete her boobilicious bridal gown.

39-year-old Eva Amurri deed backmost astatine social-media trolls who told her to ‘put away’ her woman balloons aft she shared a threat of her revealing wedding dress.

But nan veritable bosom buffet was nan slightest of her sartorial problems.

For starters, what is that hideous curtain-like rag hung information her waist?

Taco Terminator 

The robots are coming to fat shame you!

Taco Bell is rolling retired A.I.-powered ordering kiosks astatine a drawstring of drive-thru locations crossed nan country.

They opportunity it cuts down customers’ ordering times – though nary uncertainty it’s astir redeeming a crispy coin and firing minimum-wage workers.

But what will go of institution profits if nan A.I. outsmarts oversized fast-food fans who person stomachs for brains?

‘Do you really want fries pinch that?’