The husband's menopause survival guide: Six things he can do to help you including a trick to defuse mood swings - I promise you it will pay off!

Picture a romanticist steak meal pinch a shared vessel of wine, followed by a quiet, harmonious evening and a restful night's sleep.

After galore years of marriage, specified elemental pleasures tin beryllium nan glue that keeps a mates together.

But if you for illustration nan sound of that, past conscionable hold till nan menopause arrives. Expect to springiness up each your small treats, return connected nan domiciled of peacemaker nevertheless riled you're feeling, and beryllium up astatine 3am changing sheets drenched by nighttime sweats.

Such is nan plight of nan modern hubby erstwhile menopause strikes. And yes, I do mean husband. My wife, Kate, now 55, started to acquisition symptoms of menopause successful her early 40s, only 3 years into our marriage. Our children were conscionable 1 and 3 years aged erstwhile it began.

The resulting upheaval has covered almost two-thirds of our clip together, and boy, has our matrimony been tested.

Frozen silence, full-bore screaming (both sides), hateful barbs and seething successful other corners of nan house. We some made a batch of mistakes and we went done immoderate very acheronian times.

Yet we refused to fto it derail our narration altogether. Instead, we talked, I researched and we realised that, whether we for illustration it aliases not, men person a cardinal domiciled to play successful helping women done it.

Men person agelong assumed nan menopause is nary of our business and, anyway, what tin we do? But now women are opening up astir their experiences, and I've travel to judge that men must not conscionable listen, but return action.

Kate's acquisition of menopause changed her life — she is now a coach helping different women header pinch this melodramatic displacement — and it profoundly changed our marriage, too. That's why we person written a book together astir what this clip of life intends for couples. For it's our basal belief that this is simply a shared change.

Women request to cognize that men will support and attraction for them. And men request to cognize that immoderate constituent of their partner's menopause they find difficult — her temper swings, her insomnia, her health, her assemblage changes — it's ne'er arsenic difficult arsenic it is for her.

So, here's really men tin measurement up successful menopause...

Never 'mansplain' nan menopause

As men, there's thing earthy successful our lives that compares pinch nan menopause — 'I cognize really you must feel' will ne'er apply.

Nor do we understand nan beingness and affectional effects of 30 years of nan menstrual cycle. When nan menopause arrives, we ideate women will conscionable woody pinch it for illustration they did periods, right?

But beware. The female hormones that antagonistic accent and person a calming effect — oestrogen and progesterone — spell haywire astatine this clip of life, meaning women go acold little tolerant of antheral disinterest.

If a man is unprepared to put nan clip and power to understand what his partner is going through, she whitethorn good commencement to mobility nan early of nan relationship.

Besides, doing thing arsenic nan female we emotion goes done nan wringer of nan menopause — particularly if they're 1 of nan 4th of women for whom it's genuinely atrocious — is simply a beautiful shabby measurement to behave.

The first point to do is talk astir it, acknowledging menopause for what it is — a shared experience.

Remember: your domiciled is not to connection a solution, but to perceive — and past do what she asks. Menopausal women thin to opportunity it arsenic it is, and if we effort to explicate to them what they're going through, we'll soon beryllium told to beryllium quiet.

Change YOUR manner excessively (booze included)

For immoderate women, nan alteration successful hormones intends upping their attraction connected diet, workout and intoxicant depletion — whether that's to combat symptoms aliases to boost self-esteem. The smart consequence is to summation your attraction connected these things, too.

It's unfair simply to transportation connected arsenic earlier — if nan roles were reversed, you'd astir apt expect afloat compliance from her and a bucketload of sympathy, too.

So spot it arsenic a aureate opportunity to alteration your manner for nan better.

In our marriage, Kate outlined what she needed and group nan pace. Meanwhile, I took nan lead successful research, meal-planning, shopping for nutrient and its preparation, to lighten her intelligence load.

We reduced our intake of sugar, salt, saturated fats, processed and ultra-processed foods (UPF) together. UPF messes pinch nan body's hormonal balance, caffeine tin stimulate basking flushes and sweetener is unspeakable for nan waistline, among galore different parts of nan body.

And while that's peculiarly bad during menopause, let's look it, UPFs are unspeakable for men, too, particularly successful midlife.

If you don't cognize really to cook, you must study now. And effort a assortment of caller foods — eat nan rainbow, arsenic they say. Fresh nutrient of each colours provides nutrients, fibre and immoderate (good) sweetness.

Alcohol exacerbates galore of nan symptoms of menopause, truthful if she's trim down aliases moreover sworn disconnected it for good, you request to, too. Our aged friend resentment will build beautiful quickly otherwise.

For immoderate men, reducing intoxicant is nan hardest committedness to make, but it's besides nan hardest point for her to do alone.

Commit to stepping up your workout together — you don't person to really activity retired together aliases moreover do nan aforesaid things, but make fittingness a associated venture.

Yes, each these changes whitethorn effect your societal life, particularly those pre-menopause friendships that thrive connected barbecues, boozing and blowing fume rings. The invitations mightiness barren up, which is what happened for maine and Kate. But we learned to adjust.

We did different things — we went to creation galleries, took walks together, caught up connected movies. We didn't extremity going for a drink, but much often than not we made it a non-alcoholic one. Remember, you person thing to apologise for successful changing your manner for nan better.

Have a 'safe phrase' to defuse rows

Menopause intends temper swings whitethorn beryllium much predominant and much severe. None of this is an excuse to vanish to nan pub (see supra successful immoderate case).

Your partner doesn't want to person moods for illustration this; but she's stuck pinch it. Men request to understand that a ferocious temper isn't a rejection of us, but a petition for thief and understanding. Just possibly not a logical aliases calm one.

You tin thief by recognising triggers for your partner's temper changes and helping her debar them. Don't conscionable constituent astatine nan volcano erupting, but find a safe way distant — nevertheless irritated aliases disappointment you whitethorn beryllium feeling.

Of course, peace-making shouldn't beryllium confused pinch becoming habitually submissive aliases simply rolling complete connected each juncture for an easier life.

Kate and I agreed that, if I felt she was being unreasonable, aliases her affectional consequence was disproportionate, I could telephone it out. We truthful had a 'safe expression' we some agreed — a building that meant 'Hello? It's me, I'm not nan enemy, and you're being excessively overmuch now.'

Pick a building which reminds you of an in-joke aliases a infinitesimal of shared laughter, thing only nan 2 of you would understand.

When I invoked ours, location was often a infinitesimal of processing connected Kate's part, a plateau that usually led to a gradual climbdown.

It's imaginable that you will beryllium nan accidental trigger from clip to time. Frankly, you'll request to get utilized to being called an idiot connected occasions. It whitethorn beryllium afloat deserved, of course. And you must besides understand that your moods tin beryllium a trigger for hers, and study to power them.

Change nan sheets for her astatine 3am

Whether it's insomnia aliases a operation of symptoms, nan menopause tin eat greedily into a woman's sleep. Managing nan business doesn't mean heading for nan spare room. That grade of rejection only compounds nan problem.

Instead, location are respective cardinal things you tin do. During nan day, make judge she has a remainder abstraction available, patient nutrient and portion wrong scope and a telephone to enactment arsenic a 'menopause hotline' for erstwhile you're not location but she wants to talk. When Kate called maine astatine work, it was often because she wanted 1 aliases 2 words of reassurance. I person a firm job, and we some knew I couldn't spent hours connected nan phone, but I did make myself disposable erstwhile she rang.

At night, it whitethorn mean having a process for erstwhile sheets request changing astatine 3am because menopausal sweats person drenched them. Yes, this should beryllium your job, not your exhausted wife's.

Have caller linen and nightwear connected hand, and a waiting space, for illustration a comfy chair, for your partner while nan bedding is changed (I doubled up connected nan sheets to debar needing to alteration nan duvet cover). Keep nan lighting debased truthful it's easier to get backmost to sleep.

And if you miss nan 6.47am train nan adjacent time because you're putting nan 3rd group of sheets successful nan tumble dryer, retrieve there's different astatine 7.12am.

Put speech your ego successful nan bedroom

The menopause changes intimacy truthful radically that you simply cannot debar talking astir it successful a patient relationship. It affects some a woman's cognition to intimacy and her beingness responses. The culprits for this see basking flushes and nighttime sweats, insomnia, changes successful assemblage style and anxiety.

But they besides see less-discussed symptoms specified arsenic vaginal dryness, which tin make activity painful.

What tin you do? Talk to each other, nary matter really difficult that seems astatine first.

Compliment her, excessively — particularly successful beforehand of different people. This needn't beryllium complicated. Just saying 'You look awesome tonight', aliases 'I'm truthful proud to beryllium pinch you' tin person an incredibly powerful effect.

We go jaded and hide to opportunity these things, but they're rocket substance to a relationship.

You should besides create a patient familiarity pinch nan immunodeficiency that whitethorn beryllium required.

Outside of car maintenance, heterosexual men tin beryllium incredibly uncomfortable pinch nan thought of lubricant, seeing it arsenic a motion of nonaccomplishment successful gel shape (making it each astir us, again). Put speech that ego ASAP, and find a merchandise that useful for her — you whitethorn want to fto her make nan choice.

If you put successful nan activity connected intimacy, alternatively than putting it connected hold, past surviving menopause together tin lead to a deeper, much rewarding intersexual narration — yes, really.

And what happens adjacent is moreover amended . . .

Ask men what happens erstwhile nan menopause is over, and astir won't person a clue.

'Well, it each goes backmost to normal?' they mightiness reply. But, of course, it doesn't. Biologically, it can't.

During nan menopause, women acquisition a diminution successful hormones that changes them.

The hormones that thrust nan menstrual rhythm not only support a woman's assemblage supple and bones strong, but thief to springiness her qualities we place arsenic feminine: relationship-building, empathy and caring, successful particular.

As men we'll person unconsciously benefited from female oestrogen for respective decades of our lives.

With menopause, however, these drivers lessen — nan small heart to put others first stops being truthful important.

As a result, men should cognize location are respective scenarios successful which post-menopausal women determine to telephone clip connected their matrimony altogether.

Perhaps they consciousness their partner hasn't been connected nan travel pinch them — has ignored nan hardships of menopause, not talked, offered nary support, rejected intimacy, kept retired of nan way. It's surely an influential facet successful galore late-life divorces.

At this shape I request to reassure each man reference this that second-phase women are remarkable. If you travel this guideline and supply support done nan reliable times, past you will find yourselves connected a caller way to an moreover better, person relationship.

Your efforts will beryllium amply repaid, arsenic agelong arsenic you beryllium yourself a worthy partner correct now.

There are intimacy benefits, too, being blunt astir it.

If your activity life has suffered, past you'll person nan cleanable opportunity to reinvigorate things successful nan bedroom. This is simply a clip for reappraisal and making plans.

As Kate says: 'We're stepping guardant into a life of our ain making. It's thrilling and exhilarating.'

It's an honour to beryllium connected that travel pinch her.

How to show him you're menopausal

As I progressed done my 40s, I seemed to alteration some connected nan wrong and nan outside. I'd slept for illustration a babe each my life, but passim my perimenopause, complete a play of 4 years, I had 4 nights of coagulated sleep. I look backmost now and wonderment really I functioned astatine all.

By nan clip I deed 50, I was miserable. Exhausted and comfortableness eating everything successful sight, I piled connected much than two-and-a-half stone. I was struggling pinch much than 30 symptoms. There were times erstwhile I resented Neil for not knowing what I was going through. But really could he? He isn't telepathic.

This is why women person to talk astir nan menopause pinch their partners and enlist their help. Men person a cardinal domiciled to play. And if they don't measurement up, that resentment tin build and build, until your full narration is astatine risk. Because, frankly, women person had capable of pretending.

It's not for america to do everything wrong our powerfulness to proceed to usability emotionally and physically arsenic we erstwhile did for our partner's benefit, to meet their expectations of us. On nan contrary, it falls to them to re-set pinch america for a caller shape of life.

Yes, immoderate women will consciousness somewhat sick astatine nan thought of having to state themselves menopausal to their partner. Women fearfulness that nan personification who loves and desires them will, successful that moment, spot them shrivel for illustration a prune earlier their eyes.

And yet, successful reality, nan other is true. If we want to support our narration loved up (and, astir hope, sexed up), nan only action is to study what is happening to you together. Yes, it tin beryllium difficult for men. Menopausal temper swings tin spot women spell from heavy insatiable desire to repulsion successful nan blink of an eye, for example.

But if we do navigate nan years of perimenopause and menopause together, location are large rewards astatine nan extremity of it — a vibrant, energised, friendly future. That's worthy his clip and effort, I promise.

• Adapted from A Couple's Guide To Menopause by Kate Usher & Neil Usher, which is published by Hero Press connected July 30, astatine £16.99. © Kate Usher and Neil Usher 2024. To bid a transcript for £15.29 (offer valid to 10/08/24; UK P&P free connected orders complete £25) spell to mailshop.co.uk/books aliases telephone 020 3176 2937.