I found putting down my dog harder than the death of my father. Here's what an expert told me about the three stages of pet bereavement - and how you can resolve your guilt and sadness

As Scarlett slumped, dead, successful my arms, I felt my bosom break. Worst of each was knowing I had done this to her. It was March 29, 2021, and I had conscionable killed my dog.

It was I who had rung nan vet and booked nan appointment, and I who had cooked her last repast (M&S Best Ever Burger). It was I who led her into nan surgery, lifted her up connected to nan trolley and held her while nan vet put nan cannula into her leg.

I'd nodded astatine nan vet to fto her commencement administering nan deadly solution and I'd seen what nary 1 other saw, a flash of ridicule successful her eyes, moreover arsenic she fell lifeless into my arms.

It was nan saddest time of my life, much heartbreaking, even, than nan decease of my aged begetter six months before. That had felt for illustration nan correct and due closing of a circle and portion of nan rhythm of life, pinch nary decisions to make. 

All we had to do was guarantee we sewage location to opportunity goodbye, nonstop him well-loved into nan nighttime and past look aft my mother arsenic she grieved her companion of 57 years.

The truth that this, nan nonaccomplishment of Scarlett, made maine consciousness worse was a root of guilt, of course. She was conscionable a dog, right?

We'd done everything by nan book, too, buying a 'transitional dog', Vesper, 2 years beforehand, truthful Scarlett could thatch her nan dishonesty of nan onshore and we'd still person a canine to transportation connected nan dog-owning (and dog-loving) regular aft she'd gone.

We had taken heed of nan proposal 'better a time excessively early than a time excessively late', and made judge to way erstwhile Scarlett nary longer seemed to enjoy, aliases manage, her life. We didn't want her to beryllium that canine connected wheels, aliases successful a pram. We knew she would person hated that.

So why did it consciousness truthful wrong? I deliberation because I felt for illustration god, and not successful a bully way. I felt for illustration I had taken a life. All my canine had done was emotion maine unconditionally, 100 per cent, each infinitesimal of her life. And what had I done to reward that love?

Meanwhile Vesper, nary longer simply a transitional dog, was intelligibly wrestling her ain demons: consecutive from her puppy litter into our arms and nan larks pinch Scarlett, she had ne'er been alone.

Now she was near astatine location by herself, erstwhile my husband, our children and I were each retired and about. She wasn't having that. She howled and barked each infinitesimal we were gone. Not perfect erstwhile you unrecorded successful a terraced house.

In time, pinch capable of my friends telling maine to get complete my deity analyzable and realise Scarlett had had a bully agelong life astatine 14-and-a-half years, and pinch nan caller canine needing my attraction and training, I pulled myself together, because she was conscionable a pet...

Until January this year, erstwhile my friend, nan Killing Eve head Harry Bradbeer, called to show maine that his beloved canine Socks had conscionable died.

'I'm conscionable heartbroken, Susannah,' he sobbed. 'It's arsenic if I've mislaid an hold of myself. I can't carnivore it. I knew you would understand.'

As he spoke, I thought sadly of Socks, a gorgeously eccentric dachchua (a transverse betwixt a dachshund and a chihuahua) whom we had looked aft a mates of times, immortalised arsenic Socks, nan Wonder Dog successful nan 2020 escapade movie Enola Holmes, which Harry had directed.

'Oh Harry, I consciousness your pain...' I said, and past stopped. Because I did consciousness pain, but not his. Selfishly, it was each mine. A tsunami of misery and disfigured condolences for Scarlett swamped me, arsenic overwhelming arsenic it had been 3 years' before, and I couldn't really speak for nan beingness emotion of loss.

Harry and I wept together that time and a fewer occasions aft that. He is, aft all, nan man soppy capable to seduce Phoebe Waller-Bridge not to strangle nan guinea pig Hilary successful Fleabag, which he besides directed, arsenic she had done successful her original theatrical monologue. Hilary, animal-lovers will beryllium relieved to hear, went connected to unrecorded a agelong happy life.

But wherever had my sudden, disfigured resurgence of condolences travel from?

I wandered astir nan internet, looking for an explanation, which is really I recovered Dawn Murray, a 60-year-old Scottish pet bereavement counsellor.

Dawn is nan laminitis of nan caller Association of Pet Bereavement Counsellors (APBC), which brings together UK independent counsellors to self-regulate what could go an manufacture of charlatans preying on, and profiting from, nan vulnerability of others.

I show her Scarlett's communicative — really she was nan first canine I owned arsenic an adult, and nan first pet that I made nan determination to put down; really I consciousness I didn't ain Scarlett but that she and I were a unit, which is why I felt truthful bad astir taking her life away.

She clucks sympathetically and says: 'Susannah, you are nan very personification that we are trying to get our connection retired to. No 2 group grieve nan same, but we tin help.'

For nan first clip successful 3 years, I consciousness for illustration I'm not being ridiculous.

It turns retired I americium suffering stages of grief, but not those we are said to spell done erstwhile a quality dies. The 3 stages of pet bereavement are very different — and nan feelings of sadness themselves, says Dawn, are easier to resolve.

First, location is anticipatory grief, unsocial to humans since we are nan ones deciding erstwhile our animal will die. The APBC connection pre-euthanasia counselling complete nan telephone to reside not only nan agony of indecision astir what to do pinch an ailing pet, but nan ignorance of what putting them down really entails.

Too often group commencement to mourn a beloved pet earlier it's moreover gone and are past consumed by guilt astir whether they've sewage nan timing wrong.

Dawn tells maine astir a small, aged female who abruptly had nan spot to assistance her immense collie canine down nan stairs erstwhile he needed to spell out, truthful beardown was her condolences (and denial) astatine his failing health.

'We are capable to thief group connected that,' she says. 'We tin return them done nan euthanasia process and return nan dread retired of it, arsenic good arsenic reminding them that animals want value of life too.

'Your Scarlett almost surely didn't want to spell connected being arsenic stiff and immobile arsenic she was. And remember, everything you did was pinch nan volition of conscionable wanting her to beryllium comfortable and astatine rest, truthful there's nary guilt to beryllium felt for that.'

Then location is disenfranchised condolences — nan 'just a pet' emotion which intends you're not allowed to grieve for much than a mates of days earlier you battalion distant your 'self-indulgent' misery.

Dawn tells maine astir 1 customer who had to telephone successful sick to activity because he couldn't look explaining to his leader why he was truthful upset.

'Yet these animals person been truthful cardinal to our lives,' she says successful her comforting West Lothian burr, 'that is it immoderate wonderment we miss them truthful much? With moving from home, you and Scarlett astir apt spent much clip pinch each different than you did pinch anyone else.'

I abruptly person a gut-wrenching flashback of nan measurement I wrote my books from nan sofa successful our aged kitchen, Scarlett coiled up adjacent to maine pinch her warm, woolly bulk.

Poodles are ever affectionate but not ever arsenic coming arsenic Scarlett: I still miss that emotion of closeness. Our boy was often sick pinch a bad thorax arsenic a child, and he still remembers lying connected Scarlett and emotion nan tremendous comfortableness she could springiness conscionable by being there; we called her 'The Nursemaid'. How could this gentle psyche beryllium 'just a pet'? Absurd, Dawn and I agree.

Finally, location is 'incomplete grief', erstwhile you salary nan value later for repressing pet bereavement and conscionable support connected keeping on.

We some deliberation this is what happened erstwhile Harry called me: his news opened nan floodgates of my dammed-up emotion, over-whelming maine pinch sadness arsenic caller arsenic it had been 3 years before. Left untackled, this tin manifest itself arsenic prolonged condolences disorder, a recently acknowledged intelligence wellness affliction.

'One chap rang and told maine each astir nan decease of his canine Lucky,' Dawn says, 'and really he hadn't travel to position pinch it astatine each and really it was now affecting his narration pinch his existent dogs because he was truthful frightened of them dying. Turns retired Lucky had died 10 years before!'

One chat pinch Dawn later — successful which she worked retired that he'd ne'er understood nan process of Lucky's euthanasia and had blamed himself for it ever since —and nan man went distant informed and comforted, capable to spot nan wood for nan trees for nan first clip successful a decade.

After an hr connected nan telephone pinch a pet bereavement counsellor, my achromatic condolences and guilt person likewise gone. I person shared my 'daft' feelings pinch personification who didn't deliberation they were daft and she has fixed maine nan immeasurable gifts of position and sympathy.

She has besides reminded maine that possibly I americium surviving excessively overmuch successful nan past; that dogs themselves unrecorded only successful nan present. Indeed, we laugh, I should Be More Dog.

I deliberation Dawn is astir apt 1 of nan kindest group I person ever spoken to. She has been a pet bereavement counsellor for complete 20 years, ever since she mislaid her mum and her much-loved dog, Caz, wrong a fewer weeks of each different and spent a lonely Christmas moving retired really to travel to position pinch it.

Since past she has mislaid much than 25 dogs and a fewer cats — truthful knows whereof she speaks — and joined her 'wonderful husband' Dave, who has a bully capable occupation to support her financially.

This financial thief is important. For although, complete nan past 2 decades, Dawn has comforted hundreds of clients (often aged betwixt 35 and 55, only somewhat much women than men, surprisingly, but astir each of them softies from nan South of England), she has done it each for free.

She spends up to 16 draining and exhausting hours connected nan telephone each week coaxing susceptible and tearful group done their condolences (mostly for dogs, but besides for cats, horses, rabbits, guinea pigs, and moreover a rat aliases two).

On her books astatine nan APBC are counsellors some free and paid, which we work together is wholly adjacent capable because they are providing an expertise that saps their clip and energy. However, Dawn is adamant she will ne'er charge.

'I person ever vowed that cipher would ever person to salary for maine to comfortableness them,' she says. 'That way, this work is unfastened to everyone and that's important to me.'

Later, I return Vesper for a locomotion and consciousness lighter than I person for months.

See: apbcounsellors.co.uk; livingwithpetbereavement.com An e-book, Introduction to Pet Bereavement Counselling by Dawn Murray, is disposable connected Amazon and free connected Kindle Unlimited.