Divorce is hard enough... but there's one particularly cruel side effect that nobody warned me about

Watching my boy play shot 1 Sunday greeting astir six weeks aft my hubby and I had separated, nan begetter of 1 of his teammates, who was opinionated adjacent to me, whispered: ‘I can’t speak to you coming because my wife’s present and she won’t for illustration it.’

Flabbergasted, I told him I didn’t understand what he meant. ‘She thinks you’ll make a play for maine now you’re getting divorced,’ he added, rolling his eyes. I was crestfallen but wouldn’t person dreamed of confronting his woman and causing trouble.

Since my boy had joined nan squad a fewer years earlier, I’d enjoyed swapping mini talk pinch different adults connected nan sidelines – mums, dads and grandparents alike – but ne'er had I tried to tempt different man distant from his woman aliases partner, and I wasn’t astir to commencement now I was single. Even so, I sewage nan emotion that this was individual alternatively than a remark that would person been doled retired to immoderate azygous aliases recently divided woman.

I’m nan first to admit that though I surely wasn’t trying to tempt immoderate of nan men I chatted with, I tin travel crossed arsenic being flirtatious, this was nan first clip anyone had fixed nan merest hint that now I was azygous I was being judged arsenic a threat.

However, nan hubby of 1 of nan schoolhouse mums did travel connected to maine erstwhile having misread my tactility. I made it highly clear that rubbing his limb during speech did not represent an beforehand connected my part.

In fact, I thought difficult astir whether I should show his wife, but concluded it would beryllium champion not to. Would she person believed maine anyway?

Sadly, being labelled arsenic a scarlet female didn’t extremity there. As I tried to travel to position pinch divorcement and portion together a caller life unsocial pinch 3 kids aged nether nine, I noticed I was nary longer being invited to events and meal parties pinch nan circle of joined friends my hubby and I had belonged to erstwhile we were together. This contempt nan truth that galore of them had been [itals] my [itals] friends originally.

I did effort keeping successful touch pinch those friends, but nan replies were frosty and made maine consciousness excluded.

Even those who knew maine champion took objection to nan caller me, nan 1 pinch an ex hubby and nary wedding ring. Fundamentally, I don’t deliberation I’d changed, but possibly I came crossed arsenic happier and much assured because I was nary longer successful a loveless marriage.

On a much-needed nighttime retired pinch adjacent friends successful a colony pub not agelong aft divorcement proceedings began successful 2014, 1 of my friends, let’s telephone her Laura, asked if we could popular extracurricular for a chat. Slightly perplexed, I followed her to nan pub’s plot wherever she asked me: ‘Why are you each complete Emma’s caller fellow Nick?’ adding that she’d noticed maine laughing pinch him and rubbing his limb arsenic we chatted.

Emma has been my lifelong champion friend since we met astatine superior schoolhouse almost 40 years agone and we’ve been done everything together, truthful I was stunned astatine Laura’s accusation.

‘Oh, travel on, Laura, you cognize maine well, I’m conscionable friends pinch everyone,’ was my riposte, though wrong I was surgery and erstwhile my tears started to autumn I couldn’t extremity crying. Emma’s parents and siblings were successful nan pub pinch america that nighttime excessively arsenic our families person been adjacent for decades, truthful it was only correct that I was going to forge a enslaved pinch her partner.

Too upset to rejoin them each successful nan pub, I went home. The pursuing time I called Emma and told her what Laura had said to me. ‘I’m judge she didn’t mean it, she should cognize you would ne'er effort to prey connected anyone’s man, fto unsocial mine,’ was Emma’s reassuring reply.

She and everyone other who was location who knew maine good would person known that I tin flirt without immoderate intent. Perhaps a alien would comprehend it differently, I tin spot that now.

The adjacent clip I saw Nick and Emma – who are now joined – I felt nan request to besides divulge to him what Laura had said and that it had upset maine terribly because it wasn’t thing I’d ever do. He said, simply: ‘We each cognize that you’re conscionable gregarious and friendly, it sounds for illustration Laura is insecure and is nan 1 pinch nan problem!’

That’s not to opportunity that it’s only insecure women who would announcement aliases beryllium bothered, but possibly personification who has a logic to consciousness insecure would beryllium much apt to scrutinise others. If location is spot and information wrong a narration past immoderate 3rd statement becomes irrelevant.

Sure enough, Laura warned maine disconnected her ain hubby a fewer weeks later astatine different gathering of nan aforesaid group. There was nary peculiar incident, she conscionable grabbed maine erstwhile I was connected my measurement to nan barroom and made her feelings known. Perhaps she simply didn’t for illustration me, I’ll ne'er cognize arsenic I haven’t spoken to her since.

Being dumped and ostracised by friends and acquaintances was a 2nd devastating abandonment that I hadn’t been prepared for aft my hubby left, ironically astatine a clip erstwhile relationship mattered much than ever. In fact, I was distraught. Another schoolhouse mum sewage divided astir nan aforesaid clip truthful we people gravitated to 1 another, arsenic did a fewer different azygous friends and I. Platonic antheral friends and immoderate of my joined girlfriends supported maine too.

My hubby and I had been joined for 8 years and together for 17 – we met astatine schoolhouse – erstwhile he moved retired a decade ago, leaving maine connected my ain pinch 3 kids aged three, 5 and nine. As you tin imagine, I desperately needed my friends and moreover exchanging idle chit-chat pinch others, for illustration nan dada astatine nan shot match, was a distraction from my heartache.

For afloat disclosure, I’m nan first to admit that I’ll flirt pinch everyone beryllium they men, women, your mum, dad, aunt aliases uncle. But by flirting, I mean that I’m warm, friendly, nosy and confident. But I tin spot really that ‘flirting’ could beryllium misconstrued by immoderate group though I make nary apologies arsenic it’s portion of who I americium and ever done innocently.

Trouble only arose erstwhile I became azygous because group abruptly and inexplicably began to misinterpret my friendliness and emotion of giving compliments to others astir nan measurement they look aliases thing they’ve achieved, for example, arsenic being predatory. Added to which, I person a successful profession successful existent property and return attraction of my appearance, ever doing my hairsbreadth and make-up and wearing precocious heels moreover connected nan schoolhouse run.

I do deliberation that galore of these women only judged and were wary of maine because I make an effort and americium considered to beryllium attractive. Nobody cares astir a frump who’s fto herself spell flirting pinch their hubby – I don’t mean that they should ‘pretty themselves up’, but we should each make an effort to look aft ourselves. There person been times successful my life erstwhile I’ve felt sad aliases glum and person mislaid liking successful my appearance, throwing connected jeans, a baggy apical and level shoes and paying small attraction to my hairsbreadth and constitution and yet I’d commencement to consciousness unattractive and moreover unlovable.

Then a female comes on who’s assured and good groomed and she chats freely to men and women alike, and you tin quickly spot this arsenic a threat if you’re not emotion bully astir yourself.

At nan schoolhouse gates, too, I quickly became a persona non grata, picking up vibes from different mums, galore of whom I’d spent years hanging retired pinch astatine playdates and parties pinch our kids, and connected child-free nights out. Worst of each was nan effect connected my children, who were excluded from playdates almost overnight.

Those who concluded that I’d abruptly formed myself successful nan domiciled of temptress were truthful wide of nan mark. In reality, I was truthful crushed by divorcement that antheral attraction of thing different than a platonic quality was nan past point I wanted astatine nan time.

At that peculiar time, I didn’t miss antheral institution astatine all. My children and carving retired a caller life for america were my priorities.

For 2 years, I wasted truthful overmuch power defending myself and trying to person others that I really wasn’t connected nan prowl for a joined man. Socially, I withdrew and didn’t spell retired arsenic much, retreating alternatively than risking yet much group dumping me. A twelvemonth aft my matrimony collapsed up, I saw my GP and was prescribed a people of antidepressants. I besides started seeing a therapist to thief maine get my assurance and self-worth back. It had really knocked me.

Now happily remarried for 5 years, I’m still nan aforesaid smiley, outgoing, chatty personification I ever person been. The quality is that now I’m portion of a mates I’m invited to tons of ‘couples’ events but I ever make judge I see my azygous aliases divided friends excessively arsenic I cognize really overmuch they mightiness trust connected that connection.

If I sensed immoderate of them flirting – aliases appearing to – pinch my hubby I wouldn’t beryllium nan slightest spot worried, whether they’re azygous aliases not because we person specified spot betwixt us. Flirting is, successful my opinion, perfectly fine, whereas trying it connected pinch personification is different and unacceptable.

I’m wished ne'er to suffer show again of nan truth that I’m a kind, confident, outgoing personification who happens to besides beryllium lukewarm and tactile. This intends that, yes, I mightiness touch your husband’s limb while chatting to him, but it judge arsenic hellhole doesn’t construe arsenic being a motion that I want to get him into furniture – and that would beryllium nan aforesaid whether I was joined aliases single. I tin spot now that immoderate women mightiness not instrumentality astir to fig retired nan subtle distinction.

People are free to do arsenic they wish, they are responsible for their ain behaviour. It’s decidedly their problem and I won’t shrink distant socially for anyone again.

• As told to Sadie Nicholas