DEAR JANE: My ex-husband's new wife punishes our children in the most VILE way - but he refuses to stop her

Dear Jane,

I person 2 children pinch my ex-husband – an eight-year-old boy and a six-year-old daughter. My ex and I divided erstwhile our kids were 4 and two, and we person some gone connected to remarry. 

We were very conscious erstwhile we met our respective partners astir introducing them to our children arsenic sensitively arsenic possible, taking plentifulness of clip to make judge they were nan correct group to bring into our blended family dynamic.

My 2nd hubby has a boy of his ain and is awesome pinch kids, truthful I wasn't excessively worried, nevertheless my ex's caller woman has ne'er had kids and I cognize she was very tense astir taking connected nan domiciled of stepmom. 

So she was, understandably, a spot much apprehensive than my hubby erstwhile it came to gathering them, though I conscionable assumed she'd lukewarm up nan much she sewage to cognize them.

Our kids are very energetic and confident, and that's thing we've ever encouraged, but it besides intends subject is simply a beautiful large woody successful our households.

My ex and I sat down erstwhile we first had our boy and discussed what we were and weren't consenting to tolerate successful position of behavior, and besides what benignant of parents we wanted to be. 

We some agreed that we would ne'er usage beingness unit aliases shouting to reprimand our kids, and would alternatively attraction much connected speech and acquisition to explicate correct from wrong.

But contempt sharing this pinch some of our partners, my ex's caller woman doesn't look to person gotten nan message.

When my kids arrived location from a enactment pinch their dada yesterday, my boy told maine that he'd gotten into problem for stealing candy retired of nan room cupboard – and that his stepmother had smacked his hands pinch a woody spoon arsenic a punishment.

I instantly phoned his dada to inquire what successful nan hellhole had happened, but he said that he'd been retired astatine nan time, and that erstwhile he sewage home, our boy was sitting successful his room playing video games and that he 'seemed fine'.

Now, my boy didn't person immoderate visible injuries from this alleged reward – which was nan first point my ex asked – but to my mind, that doesn't matter. I americium furious astatine nan truth that this female would situation to deed my kid erstwhile some my ex and I had explicitly told her we don't usage unit to discipline.

My ex didn't look to stock my scary though. He insisted that he'd speak to his woman astir it, but past said that he wanted her to consciousness arsenic though she had a correct to genitor our kids arsenic she saw fit.

I'm really struggling pinch this one, Jane. I don't consciousness comfortable sending my kids to enactment pinch this female again, but I don't want to origin problem successful what has, frankincense far, been a beautiful awesome play of co-parenting pinch my ex. But I cannot and will not taxable my children to that benignant of behavior.

Should I spot my ex to woody pinch it, aliases should I return much drastic action?

From,

A Spoonful of Trouble

Dear Spoonful of Trouble,

I americium truthful sorry this happened. I cognize precisely really achy it is to merchandise your young children into nan attraction of their different parent, only for them to beryllium treated appallingly by nan stepparent. And, I cognize really powerless you feel.

But, not only tin you not spot your ex to woody pinch this, you must measurement successful instantly to protect your children. 

Your erstwhile hubby has already proven to you that he is not consenting to protect nan children from his wife, and does not attraction that his woman is disciplining them successful a measurement that you some disagree with. As an FYI, according to nan US-Child-Development and Family Center, handling a kid astir successful immoderate measurement is simply a shape of corporal punishment, and hitting a kid pinch a woody spoon is considered abuse.

I perceive that you don't want to commencement trouble, but you are nan only 1 who is capable to measurement successful and group a bound to protect your kids. 

According to nan CDC, mean beingness reward has been associated pinch galore short-term antagonistic outcomes successful children, including: increases successful aggression and antisocial behavior, impaired cognitive ability, and decreased self-esteem. 

Mama, your occupation is to guarantee nan physical, affectional and intelligence wellbeing of your children. Consequences for bad behaviour are necessary. Physical violence, peculiarly from a step-parent, though this is somewhat irrelevant, is not. Put nan people-pleasing and conciliatory quality aside, and measurement up to this challenge. 

Your children's information and wellbeing dangle upon it.

I would commencement by going complete location to pass your husband's woman of nan supra information, and fto her cognize that if it ever happens again, you will spell to nan constabulary and commencement ineligible action to extremity visitation.

In fact, I mightiness talk to your divorcement lawyer arsenic well, and find retired wherever you guidelines legally pinch custody, and whether it is important to study this first incident to nan constabulary truthful location is simply a record.

I'm sorry it has travel to this, but your privilege is your children, and this women has perfectly nary right, either parental aliases legal, to return an instrumentality to your kid arsenic a shape of punishment. Your occupation now is to guarantee their protection, and that location will beryllium very superior consequences should she do it again.

Dear Jane,

Three years ago, my champion friend's hubby came to maine for immoderate financial help. The 2 of them had been going done IVF and were burning done their savings astatine a terrifying rate, truthful he asked whether I'd beryllium capable to lend them immoderate money to support their IVF travel going.

At nan time, he asked maine to support it a concealed from my champion friend, because he didn't want to adhd immoderate much accent to her sheet erstwhile she was already dealing pinch nan devastation of grounded rounds of IVF. Although I felt a spot uncomfortable astatine nan thought of lying to her, I agreed, because honestly I wanted to do thing and everything successful my powerfulness to thief her execute her dream of becoming a mom.

He told maine that he'd commencement redeeming instantly and was aiming to salary maine backmost wrong six months. I had immoderate money successful savings that I wasn't using, astir $15,000, truthful I agreed to indebtedness it to him truthful they didn't person to cancel their adjacent information of fertility treatment.

I'm overjoyed to opportunity that they did spell connected to invited a beautiful babe girl astir a twelvemonth later, and I'm now nan proudest godmother to that small girl.

My champion friend was pregnant erstwhile that six-month deadline passed, truthful erstwhile her hubby made nary mention of paying maine back, I decided to springiness him a spot much clip to let nan 2 of them to settee into parenthood.

However, it's now been 3 years since that deadline expired. And contempt my asking him aggregate times, he is now flatly refusing to return nan money, claiming that he cannot spend it and that each nan money they are making is going towards raising their daughter.

I understand that having kids is costly – I person 2 myself! – but my hubby and I are now looking astatine renovating our location and really request that money successful bid to make our ain dreams a possibility.

I don't want to harm my narration pinch my champion friend by telling her that I went down her backmost and lent him nan money, but I'm not judge really other to get him to salary up? He seems to deliberation it's perfectly good that he's efficaciously stolen from maine and is showing nary remorse?

So what do I do?

From,

Piggy Bank successful nan Middle

Dear Piggy Bank successful nan Middle,

Oh, but this is achy to read, but much achy for you if you proceed to expect to spot this money again. 

When Shakespeare wrote successful Hamlet, 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for indebtedness oft loses some itself and friend…' he knew what he was talking about.

I dislike to break this to you, but nan only measurement for you to find bid astir this is to rewrite nan communicative and look astatine this arsenic a gift. 

You can, and astir apt should, show your friend, isolated from I interest that this will rustle up your friendship, arsenic only nan taxable of money can. That consequence whitethorn beryllium worthy it to you.

Either way, I deliberation it improbable that they will beryllium capable to salary you back.

Instead, if you are able, put this down to a valuable life lesson. Never, ever lend money to anyone. 

If friends aliases family are successful a financial bind, and if you are consenting and capable to thief them out, look upon that money arsenic a gift, and do not expect to beryllium paid back. It's nan only measurement to support friendships erstwhile money is involved.