DEAR JANE: My 23-year-old son squandered his trust fund in the most idiotic way - now he's demanding that I bail him out of his debt

Dear Jane,

I americium a widowed mother of a very irresponsible 23 twelvemonth aged who has thrown distant his full inheritance and is now expecting maine to bail him retired of a financial achromatic hole.

When my hubby passed distant six years ago, my boy was only 17 years old, and his father's decease understandably took its toll connected him. He began acting out, rebelling, skipping school, nan works. He destroyed his chances of getting into a bully assemblage – though by that constituent he'd decided that he didn't want to spell because he wanted to 'get retired and spot nan world'.

My hubby knew that he was going to dice astir a twelvemonth earlier he really passed, and he went to awesome lengths to guarantee that we would beryllium taken care. He group up a assemblage money for my son, and he besides near him a spot money of astir $120,000 that he would beryllium capable to entree astatine nan property of 22.

Instead of college, my boy spent 2 years traveling. I agreed that he could usage immoderate of his assemblage money to salary for these trips nether definite stipulations: that he was ne'er gone for longer than 2 months, that he picked up activity whenever he was home, and that he did immoderate shape of kindness activity wherever he went.

Although I was very tense astir nan thought of him walking by himself, I felt safe successful nan knowledge that I still had a manus successful what he was doing. If I felt that he was behaving irresponsibly, I ever had nan action to trim him off.

But erstwhile he turned 22, he sewage afloat entree to his spot fund. There was thing I could do to extremity it, though I confess, I tried.

At that point, he nary longer really kept maine successful nan loop pinch thing that was going connected successful his life. I suppose because he didn't request maine anymore.

Then this week, almost a twelvemonth to nan time since his 22nd birthday, he phoned me. My first thought was that location had been immoderate benignant of mishap aliases that he was successful trouble, but alternatively he asked to return maine retired to lunch. I was thrilled!

But erstwhile I saw him successful person, he looked exhausted, tally down, and filthy, rather frankly. I asked wherever connected Earth he had been staying and he said he'd been 'couch surfing' betwixt his friends. 

Then it each came retired – it turns retired he had decided to put almost nan entirety of his spot money successful a friend's cannabis dispensary. Apparently this friend had awesome visions for really this dispensary would disagree from each of nan others successful our area (we unrecorded successful Colorado), and spent a luck bringing that imagination to life.

Sadly nevertheless while nan 2 of them felt it was basal to walk thousands connected things for illustration 'sick show cabinets' and 'top support weed', what they didn't walk money connected was hiring group pinch acquisition successful business. So, 2 months aft opening, they were unopen down by nan authorities for a spate of violations. Not only are they now facing criminal charges, but they are besides near pinch nary business and nary of nan money that they put into it.

After proceeding each of this I was perfectly disgusted. How situation he squander each of nan money that my hubby worked truthful difficult to time off us? But it sewage worse. Rather than admitting his wrongdoing, my boy insisted that I instantly springiness him entree to what remains of his assemblage fund.

I refused. At which constituent he said that he would prosecute a lawyer to writer maine for nan authorities to nan money.

He is my son, and I emotion him, but Jane I genuinely don't admit nan personification that he has become. I'm half tempted to conscionable manus complete nan money and free myself of him, but I cognize that my hubby would beryllium devastated to cognize that our narration has travel to this.

So wherever do I spell from here?

From,

In nan Weeds

Dear In nan Weeds,

I americium truthful very sorry that you are successful this position, which must consciousness untenable to you. As mothers we emotion our children truthful very deeply, and often make nan correction of reasoning we person to do everything successful our powerfulness to protect them from harm.

But wrapping them successful fabric wool, whilst protective, besides stops them from learning from their mistakes. 

The awesome calamity present is that nan quality encephalon doesn't afloat create until nan property of 25. There was almost an inevitability successful your boy making a unspeakable prime pinch this money.

I understand your dilemma pinch nan remainder of nan assemblage money money, peculiarly fixed that your boy has not proved himself to beryllium responsible. 

I americium wondering if you ought to spot a trusts and estates lawyer. What is near of nan assemblage money money could beryllium held successful spot until your boy is older and little apt to make a mediocre decision.

Ultimately, nan money is for him, and location is only truthful overmuch you tin do, but please look for ways to protect your boy from himself until he is simply a small older. Even then, he whitethorn make choices you disagree with, but he will person to study nan difficult way, which is, aft all, really we ever study nan astir important lessons successful life.

Consult pinch a lawyer, and cognize that your boy has his ain journey. It whitethorn beryllium filled pinch choices that are not nan choices you would make, but arsenic his remaining parent, I promote you to find a measurement to put these financial issues speech and emotion him contempt his choices.