DEAR CAROLINE: I had an affair. Then my husband hired a private detective and placed a tracker on my car…

Q I person been trapped successful a financially abusive matrimony pinch a controlling narcissist for 20 years. I've felt incapable to time off arsenic my aged parents and kid unrecorded pinch us. I besides ain thing – our cars, houses and money are each successful his sanction – and was forced to unrecorded connected benefits and return cleaning jobs to support myself. I've been lonely, isolated and miserable for a very agelong time. 

Last twelvemonth I embarked connected an matter pinch a joined colleague. My hubby hired a backstage detective, and a locator was secretly placed connected nan car he lets maine drive. He was furious and started divorcement proceedings, but these were halted erstwhile he recovered retired I was entitled to 50 per cent of everything. He past many times stalled complete disclosing his existent financial position. We proceed to unrecorded together but apart, which is not overmuch different from really nan matrimony has ever been. He has rubbished my sanction to everyone we cognize and this has added to my isolation. 

It has besides travel to ray that he lied astir his income and savings connected each nan associated use forms we person claimed complete nan years and this is now being investigated by nan authorities. I person ever been kept successful nan acheronian complete our finances and americium worried that we are some going to beryllium successful a batch of trouble.

A This is so financial abuse. He has controlled everything astir your life. Your emotion of powerlessness is summed up by nan building 'the car he lets maine drive' – arsenic though he was granting you support for thing that is your right. It must beryllium a immense interest for you that your associated finances are being investigated. 

Deidre Cartwright astatine Surviving Economic Abuse says that, sadly, they perceive each nan clip from group who've had an abuser usage nan use strategy to power them by falsely getting benefits successful their name, hiding financial accusation aliases coercing them into making bogus claims. 

But location is support available. See nan charity's website (survivingeconomicabuse.org) for thief and besides telephone nan Money Advice Plus financial support statement (0808 196 8845) for victims of economical abuse. You request a measurement retired of this business – it must beryllium atrocious still surviving successful nan aforesaid house. I americium concerned astir you being astatine consequence of beingness unit from your hubby should you determine to leave, truthful please interaction refuge.org.uk to talk a information strategy. 

Finally, it is appalling but emblematic of your hubby to blasted you successful his conversations pinch friends and relatives. No 1 could condemn you for having an matter if they knew nan situation. You very overmuch needed emotion and affirmation elsewhere arsenic you were getting nary astatine home. It is very sad (and not surprising) really lonely you feel, truthful please show immoderate trusted friends nan afloat story, arsenic you request that support. You mightiness besides see counselling. 

WE'VE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT

Q My hubby and I went connected vacation a fewer weeks ago. We've had nan overseas short break while our children were increasing up, but this was our first two-week travel unsocial arsenic a mates for 20 years. Now that our children are 19 and 17, understandably, they nary longer want to travel pinch us, but I really missed them. 

I person loved our family holidays complete nan years – we usually get connected really good and do sports together. But without them it felt level and alternatively boring. Thinking astir it since has made maine mobility my matrimony and whether my hubby and I are really happy together. We get on OK and don't really argue, but I interest that we've tally retired of things to talk about. Where do I spell from here?

A All marriages person highs and lows. Children leaving location is often a situation point, but it tin besides beryllium a clip for maturation erstwhile you rediscover each other. However, it doesn't sound arsenic if your matrimony has immoderate awesome problems, truthful I wonderment whether you are a small depressed. You intelligibly really bask spending clip pinch your children and are now anticipating that quiet nest. You are grieving for nan clip erstwhile they were little. Low temper aliases slump tin return nan separator disconnected being capable to bask anything, moreover clip pinch your spouse. So don't beryllium acrophobic to talk to your hubby and show him a small of really you are feeling. 

It mightiness thief to spell to counselling together to steer your measurement done this shape (relate.org.uk) but it would besides beryllium a bully thought for you some to return connected immoderate caller challenges (separately and together) such as learning a caller accomplishment aliases getting progressive successful a task to bring stimulation into your lives.

If you person a problem, constitute to Caroline West-Meads astatine YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You tin travel Caroline connected X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline sounds each your letters but regrets she cannot reply each 1 personally