A daily dab of testosterone has banished my anxiety and given me a new zest for life - and my husband! BRYONY GORDON

Monday, 8.15am. I americium crammed connected nan Overground train, making my measurement to a boring activity gathering erstwhile I americium ­suddenly ­overcome by nan desire to rip my husband’s apparel off.

This is unfortunate, because he is connected nan different broadside of London successful his ain boring activity meeting, and I americium not going to spot him for astatine slightest different 12 hours.

As nan train trundles done ­decidedly unsexy suburban London — Peckham, Wapping, Shadwell — I effort to deliberation astir decidedly unsexy things: nan U.S. statesmanlike race, taxation returns, nan squashed banana successful nan bottommost of my handbag.

But it is nary good. My full assemblage has been hijacked by tasteful thoughts that are not due for nan 8:07am from Clapham Junction, and nary matter really difficult I try, I can’t free myself of them.

All day, I prosecute successful a vigorous conflict betwixt my encephalon and my . . . well, there’s nary different measurement to put this, my loins.

I stride astir for illustration a female possessed, trying not to dwell excessively agelong connected what I scheme to do to my hubby erstwhile I get home. I find nan only point for it is . . . no, not that.

It’s going to nan gym, wherever I observe alleviation nether a barbell loaded down pinch an ever-increasing magnitude of weights.

I deadlift, I chair press, I backmost squat, I powerfulness clean, and erstwhile each of this is done I guidelines nether nan ablution and think: gosh, this must beryllium what it’s for illustration to beryllium a man.

Let maine explain. For nan past 3 months, I person been taking testosterone. Yes, you publication that correctly: ­testosterone, nan alleged ‘male’ ­hormone usually associated pinch gym bros and bodybuilders.

Every evening, I dab a pea-sized magnitude of Testogel connected my soul thigh, observant to rotate locations truthful I don’t extremity up pinch excess hairsbreadth successful funny places.

Though to beryllium frank, nan gel’s effects connected maine person been truthful unthinkable that I’ll ­happily put up pinch an unruly bikini statement successful speech for its galore benefits: a overmuch higher activity thrust and much information for exercise, yes, but astir importantly, to me, a joie de vivre that has been mostly absent ever since I began going done a rather early menopause 2 and a half years ago.

I was 41 erstwhile I recovered myself slipping backmost into 1 of nan ­episodes of intelligence unwellness that person plagued maine connected and disconnected since childhood.

I person had crippling Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and consequent slump since nan property of astir 12; my measurement of dealing pinch it was intoxicant and, later, drugs. But successful nan early months of 2022 I had been cleanable and sober for almost 5 years, pinch a coagulated programme down maine that meant life was stable.

It was a shock, then, erstwhile nan acheronian of OCD began to creep backmost in. Many group laughter disconnected OCD and usage it arsenic a shorthand for cleanliness and tidiness, erstwhile successful truth it is simply a debilitating intelligence ­illness that ruins lives.

I picture it arsenic your encephalon refusing to admit what your eyes tin spot — that your hands are clean, aliases nan robust is off, aliases nan bump you conscionable drove complete was a velocity bump and not a child.

It is known arsenic nan ‘doubting ­disease’, characterised by a paralysing succession of ‘what ifs?’: ‘what if I near nan oven connected and nan location is burning down; what if my hands ­contain deadly germs that mightiness termination maine and everyone astir me; what if that intrusive thought I had is simply a motion I’m evil?’

Sufferers prosecute successful a bid of ­compulsions — hand-washing, ­rumination, checking — to effort to easiness nan obsessions, but they only make them worse.

And yet contempt knowing each of this, I felt powerless to extremity nan intrusive thoughts that began to bombard maine again successful ­January 2022. Very quickly, I became really, really unwell, incapable to time off nan location aliases activity aliases genitor my 11-year-old daughter.

It was a bleak time, almost arsenic unspeakable arsenic nan very first section of OCD I encountered astatine nan property 12, erstwhile I would lavation my hands until they bled and repetition phrases successful nan dream of keeping my family alive.

I confided successful a friend who ­mentioned that I mightiness beryllium peri-­menopausal. I shrugged disconnected her proposal — surely I was excessively young? Furthermore, I didn’t deliberation nan acheronian successful my mind could beryllium explained distant by hormones.

But I was besides hopeless to consciousness ­better, truthful I booked an assignment pinch a menopause master and ­discovered that my oestrogen levels were low. It turned retired that some my mother and grandma had stopped having periods successful their early 40s, truthful nan expert ­suggested I commencement taking a mini magnitude of HRT.

I was told that it could return up to 3 months earlier I really felt a ­difference, but wrong 3 days I was springing astir nan location for illustration a ­Disney princess, nan measurement connected nan intrusive thoughts turned down to a much tolerable level.

I was astounded by nan ­difference nan oestrogen made.

Two weeks later, however, I began taking progesterone (if you person a womb, you person to return progesterone arsenic it keeps nan womb lining healthy) and wrong days I was plunged backmost into a heavy depression, sobbing and suicidal.

It turned retired I was 1 of nan ­estimated 10 per cent of women who person an intolerance to definite types of progesterone, which caused my temper to plummet.

It was a lightbulb moment: my full life, I had been highly delicate to thing made by my ain body. And while I wouldn’t blasted each my problems connected ­hormones — I judge I person ever been predisposed to ­mental unwellness — I could besides spot that they made dealing pinch those problems that overmuch harder.

For a twelvemonth we wrestled pinch ­getting different types of ­progesterone into me.

My temper went up and down for illustration a roller coaster. It was awful. I genuinely considered having a hysterectomy, which would person removed nan request for it.

Eventually, I was fitted pinch nan Mirena coil, which sees a debased level of progesterone released straight into nan womb — doctors person recovered it often has little of an effect connected temper than tablets — and, incredibly, it worked.

Life ticked on connected an moreover keel again, and though I didn’t consciousness brilliant, I was nary longer experiencing nan atrocious lows that had go specified a normal portion of my life. It was a clang people successful conscionable really overmuch hormones had affected my intelligence health. I wondered really different things could person been had doctors taken women’s wellness a small much earnestly erstwhile I was younger.

Even so, I was unprepared for nan quality a mini dab of ­testosterone could make to some my temper and my power levels.

The expert suggested I adhd it into my HRT authorities earlier this year, erstwhile I sustained a accent fracture while training for a ­marathon. There is immoderate ­evidence that testosterone tin thief pinch bony density and musculus mass, which decreases successful women nan older we get.

I was sceptical: wasn’t testosterone for blokes? But it turns retired nan hormone is besides produced successful our bodies, successful some our ovaries and our adrenal glands, and that it has an important domiciled successful female intersexual function.

My expert said that location was besides immoderate ­anecdotal grounds that women’s moods and power levels were improved by it, and that while galore women felt nary ­difference, it was worthy trying.

I was told nan side-effects — which see excess hair, acne and a deepening of nan sound — only happened if you took excessively much, and that they were each ­reversible.

I took transportation of my small sachets of Testogel, and was told to make 1 past for astir 10 days, which was nan balanced of a pea-sized magnitude a time connected my soul thigh.

I began dabbing — and washing my hands furiously afterwards truthful arsenic not to transportation it to my hubby aliases girl — and waited for thing to happen. For a fewer weeks, ­nothing. Then I became intensely moody for a fewer days.

Pretty soon, this subsided and I felt nan other — alternatively of everything inducing rage successful me, I became wholly chilled out.

Things that would person ­normally near maine spiralling into a whirling wide of overthinking and ­obsession alternatively near maine ­curiously unbothered.

It wasn’t that I didn’t attraction astir things, much that I had stopped caring astir nan small, petty things that could antecedently time off maine a gibbering paranoid wreck — a barbed remark astatine work, for example, aliases an unanswered matter from a friend.

Then location was nan re-emergence of my libido, which I had agelong assumed had been buried nether nan weight of mediate age, matrimony and family life. Suddenly, it was location again, successful a measurement I hadn’t known since my early 20s. In short, my power for everything different than overthinking was ­completely replenished.

Testosterone has felt for illustration nan missing nexus for me. My beingness spot feels overmuch better, and nan encephalon fog that had started to unreality my afternoons has besides dissipated.

But arsenic pinch everything ­menopause-related, nan taxable is highly contentious, splitting nan organization correct down nan ­middle. Earlier this month, nan erstwhile chair of nan British Menopause Society warned that testosterone prescribing was ‘completely retired of power successful nan UK’.

Dr Paula Briggs, who is besides a advisor successful intersexual and ­reproductive wellness astatine Liverpool Women’s hospital, continued: ‘People are being led to judge that they must person this.

‘But we person nary thought what semipermanent testosterone supplementation does to women.’

Currently, nan National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) says that doctors tin ­consider testosterone supplementation for menopausal women pinch debased libido if accepted HRT (oestrogen and progesterone) is not effective. NHS prescriptions for testosterone roseate by 15 per cent betwixt 2021 and 2022, but location is nary merchandise licensed for women successful nan UK, meaning that you person to ‘dose by eye’, which tin lead to disorder and those unwanted side-effects, successful group accidentally giving themselves excessively much.

‘There are immense problems pinch testosterone successful position of ­professionals not agreeing,’ says Dr Naomi Potter, who runs a ­women’s wellness session and co-wrote nan bestselling Menopausing pinch Davina McCall.

‘Recent study of investigation does not show clear grounds that ­testosterone improves thing different than libido, but galore patients study otherwise.

‘In my objective experience, immoderate women study it improves different symptoms specified arsenic intelligence ­function and get up and go.’

Dr Potter says that location are known downsides from overdose, including cardiovascular risk, but this exemplifies why prescribing needs to beryllium undertaken by ­sufficiently qualified doctors.

But arsenic pinch astir things to do pinch nan menopause, ‘there’s not been capable research, not capable money invested, it’s not been deemed arsenic important enough. Female intersexual wellness is measurement down nan list, acold further than antheral ­sexual health. This area of medicine comes pinch a batch of baggage. ­Everyone feels they person a correct to an sentiment connected it.’

Dr Louise Newson is 1 of nan menopause specialists who is evangelical astir nan effects of testosterone — arsenic agelong arsenic it is prescribed astatine a debased dose, and monitored. ‘We’re conscionable talking astir earthy hormones that trim successful immoderate women,’ she says.

Dr Newson believes that group who disregard testosterone arsenic ‘only’ boosting female libido are besides dismissing really important that tin beryllium to galore women.

‘If a man has a debased libido, they tin easy spell and bargain Viagra. But Freud’s meaning of libido was not conscionable astir activity — it was astir being happy and joyful.

‘We besides spot that successful women pinch ADHD and OCD it tin really thief pinch that monkey chatter. How do you tease that retired successful a objective trial? I person nary idea, but I person seen it hap successful galore of my patients.’

When I mention nan deficiency of grounds linking testosterone to improved wellness outcomes successful menopausal women, Dr Newson points retired location is nary ­evidence showing that antidepressants thief menopausal women, but that doesn’t extremity GPs ­prescribing these narcotics for precisely that purpose.

For me, nan alteration has been an wholly affirmative one, and a blessed alleviation aft emotion truthful debased for truthful long. My husband’s beautiful impressed by it, too.

But nary 2 menopausal women are nan same. As Dr Potter says: ‘Do I deliberation everybody needs to beryllium connected it? No. For immoderate women, ­testosterone makes nary quality whatsoever. But I do judge it’s for a batch much group than ­currently person entree to it.’