$20 'Trump cereal'... handsy Donald impersonators... and the mean girl CNN anchor who stared me down: KENNEDY's hilarious dispatch from inside the RNC that proves 2024 is even crazier than you think

On nighttime 3 of nan RNC, a caller MAGA prima was born.

Too bad for J.D. Vance, it wasn't him.

Being nan dedicated analogous that I am, I've been connected nan crushed successful Milwaukee since Tuesday to show each nan GOP mayhem.

And from my perch (at a normal tract barroom connected Wednesday evening), it seemed that nan keynote speaker was nan slightest buzzed-about orator of nan day.

As nan bearded Beltway outsider took nan stage, nan audience's eyes dropped to their iPhones to publication breaking news astir President Joe Biden testing affirmative for COVID.

The delegates doomscrolled and lol'd arsenic Vance ranted astir 'cheap Chinese equipment [made] pinch inexpensive overseas labor.' (He amended not cheque nan labels connected that 'Trump 2024' merch.)

In fact, nary 1 looked up until Vance started telling nan communicative of his self-described 'hillbilly' grandma who raised him successful Rust Belt Ohio while his mother was addicted to drugs.

When 'Mamaw' died, Vance said, nan family recovered 19 loaded handguns successful her house, 'under her bed, successful her closet, successful nan silverware drawer.'

But it wasn't until Vance recognized his mother Bev, who was sitting adjacent to Speaker of nan House Mike Johnson, that heavily-mascaraed eyes (Not mine! My heart's excessively difficult to ruin a bully brace of falsies) welled pinch tears.

'I'm proud to opportunity that tonight, my mom is here, 10 years cleanable and sober. I emotion you, Mom,' he said, prompting nan normal crowd to erupt.

Though it wasn't Bev aliases moreover Mamaw who stole MAGA hearts past night.

That prize went to 17-year-old Kai Trump, nan erstwhile president's eldest granddaughter, who demonstrated nan poise of a female doubly her age. She told nan crowd, 'a batch of group person put my grandpa done hell, and he's still standing.'

She's spot disconnected nan aged orangish block.

On nan nighttime that The Donald introduced his moving mate to America – it was a Trump who grabbed each nan headlines.

What's much Trumpian than that?

Assassination Chic

Donald's brushwood pinch decease has sparked a amazingly basking caller manner inclination among nan GOP 50-something set.

I met Joe Neglia, an Arizona delegate who taped a achromatic letter cover to his correct ear.

He did it successful solidarity pinch 45, who's been proudly parading astir nan hallway pinch a large bandage complete his severely disfigured correct lobe.

The only downside is that already hard-of-hearing delegates person rendered themselves deaf.

Milwaukee's Best?

On nan normal floor, I besides met 1 handsy, love-struck Trump impressionist donning a blond wig and MAGA chapeau who seemed, well, inebriated.

I feared he was going to rod vault into Fox News anchor Shannon Bream's broadcasting booth for a smooch.

Geez… where's nan Secret Service erstwhile you request them?

One-way summons to Crazytown

At a book signing for MAGA rodeo comedian Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, I happened crossed 2 Texas convention-goers, who had been waiting hours to meet their idol.

'It's going to beryllium MTG and Congresswoman Lauren Boebert connected apical of nan GOP tickets successful 2028, people our words,' swore Jan, arsenic her friend Alice nodded successful agreement.

Ah heck, successful our bat poop-crazy authorities that mightiness conscionable make sense.

Mean Girlz and GILFs

Peckish journalists and attention-starved lawmakers sewage a chance to hobnob successful CNN's unimaginatively named CNN Grill.

But erstwhile I grabbed a chopped crockery and a Coke Zero I sewage an unwanted serving of side-eye from snotty CNN main governmental analogous Dana Bash.

At slightest nan network's main GILF knows really to charm a fangirl.

When Wolf Blitzer walked by, I screamed, 'Blitzer - you sexy beast!'

Without batting a metallic eyelash, he responded, 'You've sewage that right.'

Muppets return Milwaukee

Speaking of Silver Fox's - who was that handsome man pinch glowing rugged tegument and luscious salt-and-pepper waves?

The caller Golden Bachelor? Sam Eagle from The Muppets?

No, it was nan captivatingly boring North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum caller disconnected losing nan Veep-lympics.

'Hey, Doug!' I called, 'I thought it was going to beryllium you. You were astatine nan apical of my list.'

He gave maine nan reassuring look of a man who had conscionable been told that his tumor was benign.

'It's ok, I person nan top occupation successful nan world,' said Burgum.

'Ah, yes,' I said. 'You're nan Dakota Governor who didn't sprout their dog!'

Unleash Elise!

I strolled passed by New York Congresswoman Elise Stefanik arsenic she was basking successful her post-convention reside adulation.

She won complete conservatives successful December erstwhile she dressed down serial plagiarist/antisemite apologist ex-Harvard President Claudine Gay.

'I dream you do to nan Secret Service Director what you did to Claudine Gay!' I yelled.

'Oh, don't worry,' she replied. 'I person plentifulness of questions.'

Rudy tin fail

You could almost perceive nan Merlot sloshing erstwhile America's Mayor did a slow-motion, a** complete beverage kettle stumble into a statement of folding chairs connected Wednesday afternoon.

It took 2 burly staffers to get him backmost connected his feet.

Oh, really nan mighty person fallen and can't get up.

'Shut up Gaetz'

Bad boy Florida Congressman Matty Gaetz marred RNC unity-themed nighttime connected Tuesday erstwhile he bum-rushed erstwhile House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, who was successful nan mediate of an interview.

The 2 person had beef ever since McCarthy said Gaetz begged him to quash a House investigation into claims that Gaetz paid a teen for sex.

Gaetz started screeching astatine McCarthy: 'If you were connected that [convention] shape you'd get booed off. You would get booed disconnected nan stage.'

But 1 Illinois delegate said for each of america erstwhile he sewage into Gaetz's look and said: 'Shut up Gaetz… you're an a**hole.'

Tight and Shiny

I caught up pinch nan fuming Floridian myself earlier his reside connected Wednesday.

His taut forehead gleamed for illustration nan underside of a stretched beaver pelt.

'You speaking tonight?' I asked.

Gaetz: 'Nah, tomorrow. I've had to rewrite my reside 87 times… I wanted to talk astir nan assassination attempt, but they don't want anyone to touch it.'

'You cognize me,' he said. 'I'm going to show it for illustration it is, I'm a consecutive shooter.'

Gulp!

Eat your Wheaties

Outside nan Fiserv Forum, wherever nan magic is happening, you tin find a sparkling array of overpriced Chinese-made MAGA merch.

A container of 'Trump cereal' will group you backmost $20. Same for nan 'I'm Voting For The Felon' T-shirt.

It's each guaranteed to get you kicked retired of your millennial niece's baby-naming… aliases your money back!

Vivek successful nan House!

I ran into ex-motormouth GOP hopeful and Jimmy Neutron-impersonator Vivek Ramaswamy connected nan Fox News group of Gutfeld! Wednesday night.

'Looks for illustration location really will beryllium a Vivek successful nan White House!' I said. (J.D. Vance and his woman Usha person a boy named Vivek)

For that, I sewage a chuckle and a scoop: Vivek mightiness tally for Vance's Senate seat.